harpers ferry
its been awhile (definitely)
it really has been awhile lol.
things have actually been pretty good. some things havent been, but a lot of stuff has been. ive decided my plan for the next few years, now i just need to act on it. i'm going to leave this place, and study in canada. im gonna start saving more seriously now, because its expensive. but i want it. i want it bad, and ill have it. i need to get really good at music though. so good that they'll want me. so good that ill get a scholarship. either that or work so hard ill have all the money i need to leave this shithole and go where i want to be.
there's this girl, ive been talking with a little bit. im cautiously hopeful but also quite scared. i think she might want to stay out of relationships for the time being, but i also think she's been quite friendly with me, and maybe theres a chance. i brought her to the drumming room, i tried to teach her some stuff, it went alright. she got me chocolates, we talked a lot. i really do like her, but im just afraid that something will go wrong. stuff goes wrong a lot. but i hope not.
ive started progress on my first independant music, i actually finished my first song today. it is not good, but it is my own, and i finished it, and im happy. and i have to write several letters so i can layer them over eachother and put instruments over them. i also have to make a name for the album, and some lyrics for one of my songs. i wont release it widely i dont think. ill ask august what she thinks. i might make an audio bank on harpers ferry for it. i have a bridge song in the works thats all about different cities for different people, like emo cities and hippie cities. its dumb, but its a nice break between the poorly made songs that are more heartfelt. i think thats all for now
-harper
its been awhile (sort of)
i forget how to start these things. hey all, scott here?
ive been doing better and worse at the same time. today i was on the campus of my school, thinking to myself that i can't do this any longer, and that my life needs to change or end. soon.
tonight i was in my room, talking to some girl ive known for awhile but whoms contacts i only got recently, showing off my guitar playing and realising that i really badly want to start practicing bass and guitar again. feeling oh so happy about everything. what is wrong with me? why can i not just, stick to an emotion? i want to be happy, obviously, but something in me just wants to bathe me in dread sometimes.
that imbred prince dickhead was shit talking me at a party. i havent given him a name yet. ill call him debutante. he spread some stuff about me. he told the world that i got with my ex-girlfriend simply because she liked me, and that i had no real connection to her. i cannot deny this because i said it; i said every word of it and i dont know why i did because it isnt true. i really did like her. i wasnt attracted to her per say, but i did really like her, and i thought it could work out, and it didnt. and then i simplified it to him. but thats an excuse, and i dont want to make those. i was in the wrong. i did something bad. and i am trying to change, and i really feel like i have. that was so long ago now. i hate that pathetic sack of shit debutante and i hate myself for what i did and for ever talking about it to him. august tried to comfort me. i think, i think it was an attempt to comfort me. i really did appreciate me. i dont know if she knows how much these little things mean to me. they don't exactly work to ease my nerves, but they make me feel like at least somebody is in my corner.
im leaving the country for the first time without my parents soon. going to a concert with august. im really excited. im so excited. life is so good.
maybe nobody is gonna save me, maybe people will shit talk me. fuck them all, i dont care. kill them, build a bomb, tonight the school is vietnam. who cares. nobody is gonna save me, i will save myself. i have to. thats all for now
-harper
i wrote this when i was tired and it sat in my notes for a week
i was reading an entry i wrote somewhere else about, 2 months ago? and it kind of changed my perspective on things. funny how my own writing can change me.
i hadn't really realised that despite it being not that long ago, things had changed so much. shit, in this entry i was talking about like, feeling insufficient as a bassist and starting to like car seat headrest. i thought that was ages back by now, but it wasn't. 2 months. things changed a lot in such a short amount of time. i think i was worse off then than i am now, probably by a noticeable amount, and that is kind of weird to think of.
i think that when people are sad they like to convince themselves that things will never get better, and that things haven't been getting better. that nobody is coming to save you. maybe that's true for some people, but it seems as if it's different for me. at least partly. i am, ever evolving, and I am, electing to move forward every day. and some days i don't want to get up, but i think for now ill just tell myself that it's because im tired, and push on. an island of great complexity, continuing to become lush. maybe there's hope. maybe. that's all for now
-harper
funny how things can change in such a short time
we spoke today, and you seemed better. you said youd talk to her. you still use instagram reels that she liked as evidence for things you believe, which is mental, but you also seem to rely on my help less. im proud of you, if you go through with it. hopefully you will. colour me foolish but im hopeful. you love in a particular way, and its interesting to me. maybe its a better way. i often think to myself that the particular way i interact with the world, and i wonder if this is my place. i dont think so, not really.
ive already touched on this, the fact that i like myself, but i dont think the way that i am is liked by the world. so we dont work together. so i am not for this world. thats my logic anyway, apologies for reiterating.
other than that things are going well. got a gym membership, probably just gonna do hip stuff for a few weeks and then give up, i just need to pick it up for an award thing. hard to explain without giving up too much, gotta keep the secret alive ;)
when i spoke to blox today things kind of started to make sense to me. i think i had an epiphany mid-conversation that i might be polyamorous. im electing to keep that part of me supressed though, because i think i am enough of a freak already without that added on; and if i struggle to get into a normal relationship then i doubt i would get into one like that. im not fully sure if its even what i want, but i dont think im going to figure that out. i feel the same about being non-binary. its an answer i dont need, a box i dont want opened. im so fuckin lost, thats all i know for certain. thats all for now.
-harper
missing you, b&c
i really see you getting worse. its an abosolute obsession with this poor girl. and some people have strayed, and started to hate you. not so much for your love, though i think that is an issue, but for the way you are. i feel for you but its draining just to speak to you these days, and i dont know what to do. its the same issue i have with my other friend. lets call her shocks. she did something bad to a friend, but she was always there for me. its like stockholm syndrome, and even though all common sense says to cut her off, im afraid of what would happen if i did. afraid of what she might do to herself. afraid of someone low getting lower. i suppose thats also my fear with you, i just want you to get better. i hurt for you. i hurt for you both. maybe thats one of the reasons i always seem to have a little bit of sadness in the back of me. i will call you blox from now on. people who know you will get it (probably)
its the same guy i spoke about last entry. poor fucker. enough about him though, because life has been pretty ok recently. im not great, but im getting a bit better. i think maybe im healing a little. nobody comes to save you, so you save yourself, and then people come to help you in the last stretch. thats how it seems to be. i probably needed people way more when i was worse, but they didnt want to deal with me then, and i dont blame them at all. i got to scream today in an empty field, it was great. i screamed todays song. life only gets better. and i saw augusts group. i felt a bit like a loser just hovering around them, but it wasnt for long so its probably fine. i think maybe things are better. or getting better. thats all for now :)
-harper
this one might be a bit longer (which is funny considering the opening)
little editors note but holy fuck i had to make this book so much bigger lol.
wasted space wasted space wasted space i am wasted space wasted space wasted space wasted space
do i trust this thing? that's the question. my other diary was way more private, but this one is still moderately private. most people i know wont be able to find it yet. but i want to share this site, so they will find it. not that i have much to hide but still. anyway, whatever
this guy, he's been on and on about his crush, and i've been trying to help him out, but it's just, tricky. the guy is obsessed but he can't even talk to her without me being there. and for some reason he thinks she likes him, and i dont know if i have it in me to say he's delusional to him. theres a chance, but i seriously doubt it considering how little interaction they've had. im not sure what will happen if he gets rejected, but he's set a hard deadline of christmas and said that i can tell her if he doesnt do it himself by then. i will definitely be doing that, because this needs to end. its either gonna be a soft rejection followed by an immense depression, or a completely unhealthy relationship. i have absolutely no intention of stopping this, because i couldnt if i tried, and i think im willing to let lessons be learned. i wonder if august feels like this towards me?
he's lucky to at least have something to chase though, im still utterly alone, but i dont even have hope for that to end. some days i look in the mirror and i like what i see, and i think maybe im healing. those days arent that frequent. most days i feel like im just gonna be this way forever. bold, experimental, alone.
i often look at the world, and i look at myself, and i just think... this isnt meant to be. i was not built for this place. not really, anyway. this world, its not for my kind, and i recognise that, but i think i will keep living.
me and capone are looking around for bandmates. my five billionth band will start soon, hopefully, and i am most hopeful for this one. i dont know if its "the one" but i certainly think theres a chance this band will actually get some things done. we have guitar and drums, we just need some other things. im considering a viola player that im friends with, but im not sure. i want to be careful with the members of this band, because i dont want to throw away yet another shot. i think thats all for now
-harper
almost exactly the same time as yesterday, thats funny. today was a strange one
i was meant to be rehearsing with one of my bands today but we sort of just, didnt. they never responded, as per usual i suppose. in accordance to natural law, i ask people about things that i need quick answers to and they take too long to respond.
i spoke with two friends today about things, and both of those conversations sort of forced introspection. i think that i only really start to consider things properly when im talking to people about them. i realised things about what i want in my relationships, and my life, and the people ive been speaking to. im not quite sure what sort of relationships i want with people. i know that romantically i want something, but not really much, just a casual fling. im not good enough to love or be loved; not yet anyway.
i was working in the bar tonight. my coworker said they might need help with some audio stuff. sounded like a job to me, so i agreed. im happy about that. didnt get any tips though, typical. thats all for now.
-harper
never quite sure how to begin things when im not sure how long they'll last. suppose ill just continue from before, may aswell.
i showed off my more, effiminate outfit to a close friend today. they said it was nice, so I suppose maybe theres reason to at least keep trying it out. im still fairly confident in my cisgenderness.
this song popped into my head recently, the one linked, and its quite cheery, but it kind of makes me think, and im not sure how much i like the thoughts. what am i to people? what does the world see me as? what does sonite, what does aug, what do any of them see me as? thats the question, and im not sure if i even want or need that answer. not here, babe. i have bigger stuff to worry about then that though. thats all for now
-harper